Catching Up . . . Sort of

I just posted a million new pics on my picture blog and realized that some of them go back all the way to the early spring!  I’ve done a terrible job keeping it updated, but I’ll try and do better.  And now is time for the great clean up.  Poor Carl has worked so much this week, he’s hardly been home for a second but he still spent his lunch break cleaning up after my escape artist horse and then putting up the new curtain rod and curtains in the bedroom.  Yeah, he’s dreamy.  : )

Anyway, I want to really have the house clean, clothes washed, dishes done, etc before I go and I’m a looooooooooooooong way from finished.  But once I started looking at pictures, it was hard to snap back to the present.  Later this week, if I have time, I’m going to post somewhat of a montage of my favorite pics from Carl and I’s relationship from that first visit back in January 2005 all the way to the present.  My cousin started a facebook and posted several old pics of my Aunt Shirley . . . and they make me so sad, but I can’t stop looking at them.

I wish I could talk to her now so much it hurts.  I thought that would get better as years went by, but every time something big happens the fact that she’s gone hurts as badly as it did the day I found out.  And now that Carl and I are getting married, I often wonder what she would say about him, what advice she would have given me and how she would have helped me get the wedding together.  If she were here, she would have made my cake.  But instead, I’ll be wearing a very beautiful watch with two tiny ropes of gold chain for a bracelet and that will have to be enough, because it’s all I have left besides my memories.

 

Beautiful Words

“Sadness is like a window that opens of its own accord.  The room grows cold and all we can do is shiver.”  ~Memoirs of  a Geisha

This book is full of amazing descriptions, but so far this one is my favorite.   Sometimes I’ll be going about a perfectly lovely day minding my own business when the window opens and suddenly something I’d thought long healed, is hurting all over again just as if it happened yesterday. 

But I especially love these words because they get at a more subtle truth about sadness, which is that the window can’t be sealed or boarded over; it opens of its own accord and we are powerless to stop it.

This makes me feel so much more calm in a bout of sadness.  Instead of fighting with it and trying to block it out as I’ve spent so many years doing, I try to be still, inside and out, and shiver until the window closes again and it always does close again.  Giving up control will be a lesson I spend my whole, stubborn, thick-headed life learning, but this sentence from this beautiful book has brought me one, small step closer.

 

The Man I’m Going to Marry

I love him so much and here’s a few of the latest and greatest reasons why . . .

~On the Fourth we were snuggled under blankets at the bow of Joey’s boat and just waiting for the fireworks to start and when they did, he looked over at me and said, “Happy Seventh Fourth, Sugar.”  He remembered and I hadn’t said a thing about it all day.

~On the fifth after we got home from our weekend adventures, we went back to Medford and bought a patio set and new bedding and when we were done we went to Kaleidescope for dinner.  He was just looking at me across the table and said, “I’m glad I’m marrying you, you’re so much fun to be around.”  Its a simple statement, I know, but it gave me butterflies.  : )

~Every morning I have to pry his hands off my body so I can get out of bed and go to work, but I don’t mind.

~On Mon-Wed nights after working both jobs, he gets home and I’m fast asleep.  But I always wake up to him pulling me up against him before he cashes out.

~He makes delicious sunrise mimosas and always adds a cherry to mine just because he knows I like them.

 

Change of Plans

There are several things I’m supposed to do today.  I’m supposed to call the woman in charge of all the camps to finalize arrangements for horse camp.  I”m supposed to call Julie and get the scoop.  I was going to ride to the lake today and I was going to purchase laundry detergent and start washing.

But . . .

After my swim I decided to make myself a grilled cheese on dill rye with sharp cheddar and some chicken noodle soup.  Then I took a nice hot shower and now I”m sitting in my pjs not feeling nearly as much guilt as I ought to.

I’ve just been on another thinking binge and I need to sort it all out.  Yesterday I sat in the Pepper with Carl’s laptop and wrote for a few hours untangling my thoughts and feelings about the weekend, but at the end, had nothing I could post.  So tonight I’m going to write and be happy and go to bed early and tomorrow and the next day I’m going to talk on the phone and buy laundry detergent, etc.  : )

~Yesterday Carl asked me if Jason had ever written me an email, which I thought was a strange question since Jason is his friend, not mine and I said so.  At which point Carl explained that Jason knows there’s something about him I don’t care for and wanted to know what it was.  Carl wouldnt’ tell him, but gave him my email address instead and recommended he write.  Interesting.  I wonder if he will?

~The girl Jason is currently dating seems lovely and I like him a little more when he’s with her.

~Emily brought her parents into the Pepper to say hello to Carl and even though he thought about it the entire time they were exchanging awkward pleasantries, he never did remember their names.  Hilarious.

~We are going to horse camp next week and I”m so excited but at the same time I’m so nervous!  If something goes wrong, I’m now the listed responsible party.  At the same time, as the dean of the camp, I can do whatever programming I want and I’m going to bring back music, I”m going to revive the water balloon fight and I’m going to incorporate more structured discussion at campfire as well.

~I’m also excited because we’re going a day early and leaving a day late so Carl, my dad and I can all scope out great spots for gettin hitched and get the information we need to choose a date! : )

~It would seem I didn’t lose a friend after getting engaged after all.

~I understand why she was so angry and hurt over her relationship with Carl, all that happened and how it ended and how he handled everything.  I can’t imagine how it felt to make the choices she was faced with, nor can I imagine what it felt like to make those choices for the most part, alone.  There are a lot of other things I don’t understand about her, but hearing Doug talk about how happy she is with her new man, I found myself happy for her and hoping that, whoever he is, he is everything Carl wasn’t that she wanted and needed.

~I can’t wait to go visit Boise and see my mama and the fields and my papa and the cats!

~I can’t wait to go shopping at Bridal Mart!

~I know its all in my head, but I feel different.  I feel like I always wanted to feel after scrubbing in the shower.  I feel clean on the inside.  : )

 

Wowza

~I am resuming my swim across the lake and back today right after work.  I’m late tech so I know I won’t feel like it when I get off work at five, but its worth it for the feeling after.

~I’m going riding to the lake today as soon as I get back from my swim.  : )

~Then I’m going to get to work on that poem.

 

A Good Weekend

~My wait is over and this was the best Fourth of July I’ve had in seven years. : )

~Great weekend at the cabin with friends, booze and wakeboards.

~A new poem to write.

~Memoirs of a Geisha=one of the two best books I’ve read since I graduated.  Please read if you haven’t already.

~Old feelings rose to the surface, but instead of taking over (as they so easily used to do) I found my way through them.

~Defense of one I find, in many ways, to be indefensible, surprising both Carl and myself.  I think I might be growing up a bit.  Maybe.  ; )

~Amazing man in my life who every day gives me another wonderful reason to marry him.  Todays’ . . . the new patio set on our front porch, the new linens, blanket and dust ruffle on our bed and the delicious home-grown raspberries I ate on the long drive home from the lake.

~  : )

 

Grrrrr.

~Betrayal culminates in betrayal

~I am both  sorry and relieved that he is finally seeing him in the same light I do.

~They were the bed he made, but it still makes me angry to think of them being all he had for so long.  Its no wonder.

~I’m definitely going to need a book; there are times even I can’t think of one damn thing I want to say.

~One of the most important weekends of my life . . . sigh.

 

Random

~A Buddist monk got stuck in the bathroom at work today.

~Tobyn got a mustache tatooed on her finger, and its pretty much the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

~I swam from the dock the length of the dam to the other shore and back again today after work.

~My friend Katie has this amazing ability to make overwhelmingly conflicting things, make sense together.  She just helps me make things make sense period.

~I think unity sand is stupid.

~I started reading Memoirs of a Geisha today and the whole thing reads like poetry.  Its going to be sad, but worth it, I can already tell.

 

I’m Tired

and there’s something on my mind, but its kind of ghosty, almost more a slight headache than a thought.  The boys hit the town and I opted out thinking I’d go straight to bed, but here I am, at the computer wishing I could type out whatever is loitering in my thoughts.  I told Carl how I felt about living here and that of all the places I’ve ever been, this one is the one that feels most right for building a life, raising kids, etc.  He agreed, but also stuck to our originally drawn guns about moving which made me chuckle thinking that a year ago, I was the one trying to convince him to leave and he was the one afraid to go.  But he’s right, and our original logic stands firm.  We need to go somewhere else, somewhere new to us both and have a fresh start for once.

Horse camp is coming up and Carl and I will be doing some wedding exploring while we’re up there trying to decide where to have our reception and choose a date!  I am so excited for camp, which is always a week my soul savors and this will be the first time Carl comes with me, which will make it all the more wonderful.

I’ve been writing a lot lately and that feels really good.  In some ways I feel like I’m just waking up into a new world where not all my poetry feels like razor blades and acid.  I’ve also decided to set up a little art/writing area for myself in what is currently the poker/bar area of the house.  My knitting, my writing, my art supplies, etc will all get set up.  The bar will stay, but I’m thinking the ten thousand national geographics will have to go in the cabinet.  : )  I love this blog.  I love all my blogs.  Going back through the past year and then some of entries is always enlightening and its such a relief to be able to write everything out.  I tend to figure out my own thoughts as I write and/or speak them.  So when I can’t find the conversation I need, I find myself sorting a lot of things out here.  Its safe again and I just stopped telling people that I use it at all.  Granted, my readership is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down, but at the same time, I’m much more gratified by what I write.

Maybe that’s what this is all about; writing.  Whatever it is, its going to have to wait until tomorrow.  I’m simply to tired to go on.  : )

G’night.

 

Just Thinkin

~There is no more difficult time to keep people happy than when you’re getting married.

~I get irritated listening to poeple’s reasons why they just can’t trust people, why its so hard to let yourself love . . . then I remember I was among the loudest and most adamant of those people and if they are as lucky as I have been, someone will come along and give them plenty of excellent reasons to love and give themselves completely.

~I think that when I forgave Carl, I forgave them all.  I also think I wanted to forgive them all, I just didn’t know how.

~I hung a few pics on the walls today and put a hammock outside, cleaned out the shed and then laughed at myself for waiting almost a year to really move in.

~I’m still having a hard time accepting that I lost a friend to my engagement, I’m starting to wonder if we were ever friends at all, if this is what it comes down to.

~My horse is the most amazing creature.  : )