1) I haven’t made a phone call that lasted longer than five minutes and was not work related in over two weeks. And for several months prior to that, I was already leaving my phone somewhere I couldn’t hear it when I was at home so I wouldn’t feel like I had to answer it.

2). I still haven’t cried.

3) I worked so much overtime the week before and after my radiation that I only had to take three PTO days for that week. I have had anywhere from 2-6 hours of overtime every week since radiation. I took calls and checked emails from my bed starting just a day or so after my surgery and for the first three days of my radiation.

4) I feel an immense amount of guilt. Guilt that I haven’t been there for people when they needed me, guilt that I haven’t done as much at work as my coworkers, guilt that Carl had to do everything for us for such a long time, guilt that I feel so tired still and want so much to just tell everyone that everything is fine and life can go on now just as it was, when it can’t.

5) My body is different, my mind is different and I don’t know what all the differences are or how I want/need to handle them.

6) This weariness is not something that can be fixed with a few nights of good rest and cutting back a bit. This weariness is not going to go away if I simply try to wait. This weariness is deeper than the physical weariness I felt after surgery and radiation.

7) I need something I haven’t been getting for a long time.

After realizing everything above, I fell into a fog of confusion, compounded by more guilt. “I should be strong enough to just handle this.” is the sentence that repeats in my mind over and over again even as I write. It’s time for this girl to come clean and admit;

“I am not strong enough to just handle this.”

Of course, I hate admitting I can’t when I can’t, but now that I’ve done it, I want to immediately move on to the next step, which is: What can I do about it?”

I spent the entire morning while I got ready and drove to work, sitting with myself at the truth table in my heart and asking me, “What do you need?” Maybe I sound a little crazy, but it is what it is and if you do think I’m nuts then I would say it’s probably been far too long since you listened to your “self.” : )

Needless to say, I learned all sorts of interesting things. By the time I got to work, it was a hostage situation: give in to my own demands . . . or pay the price. And I’ve paid that price a time or two before—total breakdown, the end of the limit, can’t take one more day without hope for change and this time I’ve decided to give in to the demands instead.

Here are the terms:

From August 31^st, 2012 to August 31^st 2013,

1) I am not promising/agreeing to do or be anything. (This is obviously over-simplified, but I’ll outline more of the
details later)

2) I am going to work on a book about dealing with the aftermath of a health crisis.

3) I am going to create my dream calendar—a concept I thought up several months ago but haven’t had any time to
work on since it popped into my mind.

4) I am going to be really nice to me. No more “should be able tos” or “why can’t I justs.”

5) I am going to spend time with people I love not because of something I’m working on with them, but “just because.”

In exchange for this, my self is going to give me:

1) Seven months to finish out all of the things I’ve said I would do and do not want to quit and/or give up.

2) Regular trips to the gym for swimming and yoga to build up strength and release stress.

3) The ability to carry on in my job so I can keep working towards the goals and dreams I set out when we moved
away from Oregon.

4) And the energy and presence of mind to be the best maid of honor ever in my best friend’s wedding.

All in all, I think this is a win/win and after setting these terms and doing our secret handshake to seal the deal, my self and I are feeling better and more at peace than we have in a very long time. : )

For those of you who are my facebook friends, you’ve already seen these three photos from Carl and I’s date yesterday . . .

He told me about a week and a half ago that he had a date night planned and he would be wearing his tux so I needed to dress up too.  He would not tell me where we were going or what all we would be doing or why.

Our first stop wasfor  dinner at Emilio’s, our favorite fancy place in Boise.  Over dinner, I asked him why we were doing this and his response was that we hadn’t been on a date in a really long time and that we had never really celebrated the fact that I am cancer free.  (Which, other than me skipping around and telling anyone who would listen that I didn’t have cancer anymore, was true : )  So we shared a bottle of wine, a four course meal and desert wine, which is what I blame for the fact that I tripped in my heels and almost fell flat on my face in front of everyone at the restaurant on one of my trips to the ladies room (Awkward Girl is never far from the surface . . . : ).

After dinner he took me ice skating at Idaho Ice World where, believe it or not, I managed to not fall on my face or my rear.  Although, that probably has nothing to do with my ice skating skills, since I don’t have any.  Really I just hang on to Carl’s hand while he skates me around.  And I may or may not have teared up when we were getting out of the truck and he handed me a bag with leggings and socks in it so I wouldn’t get cold. : )

Our second to last stop was the Flicks movie theater downtown–an older theater where they play independent films and serve food and drinks.  We watched The Artist which is a fun, silent film love story with an interesting twist.  And from there, we wrapped up our evening on the town at The Modern Hotel and Bar–a place where the cocktails are worthy of even the snobbiest bartenders (i.e. Carl and Aurum : ).

Throughout the entire evening he opened and closed my car door, helped me in and out of my coat, asked people to take our picture, ordered for me and in general made me feel like Audrey Hepburn on a date with Cary Grant.  : )

Sometimes I wonder if these posts seem like propaganda, since I’m always talking about all the wonderful things he does.  I hope you all know that we are no different from any other couple in that we make mistakes, fight, get mad and have problems too.  But somewhere in our eight years together, we agreed that in order to be happy for the long haul, we would have to forget pride and continually show each other our love and respect.  I’d say we’re doing a good job so far and that because of that agreement, there isn’t a problem out there that we can’t get through together.

Just before taking my first, smaller dose of radiation I was told that because the cancer had spread through most of my lymph nodes on both sides of my neck, I would be given a significantly larger dose of radio-iodine than the average person my size so they could be sure to completely eradicate the cancer no matter where it had gone in my body from there..  This came as a shock to me.  In my head I was thinking, “Really? Even after going through five months of treatment, they really did not know whether or not my cancer had spread or where it might have spread to?”

For some reason, I had this crazy expectation that my doctors would know so much more by then.  I mean, I’d had ultrasounds, a biopsy, tons and tons of blood work, surgery, pathology and a PET scan and they seriously were not sure where the cancer was?  Knowing what I know now, my expectations weren’t really reasonable, but all the same, it was hard to let go of that belief that doctors know everything and will make everything okay.  With some illnesses, they simply do the best they can with what they know and have.And so, with shaken confidence and added fear of what a higher dosage really meant, I went to the hospital on a Monday for my low-dose.

Fortunately, for the first dose, I was able to ride to and from the hospital with Carl and for the two days I was in isolation, he could come see me, he just had to sit across the room.  It was nice to be able to have him there with me in the evenings to talk to, even if I couldn’t touch him or be near him.  Those first two days, it was the dogs I missed the most.  : )  During that time, I put together my alter and my medicine bag and tried my best to prepare my mind for the significantly larger dose (small dose was about two millicuries as opposed to the big dose which was 200 millicuries).  My way of coping typically involves staying very busy with things I enjoy or want to think about to keep from brooding.  It all went off without a hitch and on that Wednesday, Carl and I went back to the hospital, this time in separate cars for the big dose.

And for that story, you’ll have to wait until next time.  : )

it definitely made my day today!!  : )

For instance, yesterday I played dress up. Yes, I am twenty seven and no, I do not have any intention of growing out of dress up. Ever. :) This particular round was prompted by my amazing artist friend, Sara, who gifted me a very dangerous shade of red lipstick the last time I went to see her. This was the result . . .

It has been such a transition for me to go from being so incredibly tired all the time to having more energy that I had almost forgotten how easy it is to have a good time, even if you’re just hanging out at home alone. :) Not that you have to hang out at home alone, you could also hit the town with friends (which I also did yesterday :) and dance and laugh until you can’t do either anymore (thank you Hulie!!). I just can’t seem to stop soaking up all the things I couldn’t do before but suddenly find myself able to do again.

Like take my horse, Tristan, out for a spin. I haven’t ridden in four full months and I admit that last night I was a little nervous I would get up there and find out I was too weak to be safe riding by myself. But Tris took wonderful care of me as he picked his way through the moonlit field below our house while the dogs roamed through the darkness around us. Riding again felt incredible and in the peace and silence that surround my soul every time I ride that wonderful horse, I realized something. I am feeling very selfish with my time these days.

It isn’t a permanent change or a result of some new philosophy on life (although I’m going through and developing a few of those too). It’s just that it’s been so long since I’ve lived a single minute without the weight of cancer, my own fears, the fears of the people who love me, the responsibilities of my job, the weariness that permeated every fiber of my being . . . I find myself wanting to fly all the time, make myself laugh, give myself space and time and whatever freedoms that I can. There is a balance and I’ll find it again . . . as soon as I can get my head out of the clouds, my heart to stop singing, my soul to stop stretching and my body to quit begging for just one more taste of life. ; )

(insert sarcasm here)

Oh yeah, it’s because I had CANCER and my thyroid is GONE and my metabolism went with it and it takes TIME to get back on your feet after going through surgery and radiation and medication changes. I have to remind myself of this each day in order to deal with the agonizingly slow pace of recovery from my thyroid cancer.

I’m famous for a lot of things: talking a lot, loving horses, hating mayonnaise, etc. But I am NOT famous for my patience. I want to ride my horses (like I used to), I want to swim for hours (like I used to), I want to walk with the dogs through moonlit fields until we’re all tired (like I used to), but instead I struggle to walk up and down the hill to our house, I’m afraid to do any serious riding because I know I’m not strong enough to be safe and I swim with a noodle after the first ten minutes to keep from drowning in case my limbs give out.

That said, when I have no strength left, I take all the frustration you can practically see oozing out of the words above and use it to push my body a little farther, a little faster each and every day. In my mind, I’ve made the switch. I’m not babying myself anymore with three naps a day, no chores and a diet of whatever will keep weight on. My new policy is to wake up each day, do as much as I am physically able, do just a little more after that, then fall into bed completely exhausted, but also happy, proud and a tiny bit stronger. :)

That pretty much covers where I’m at physically, but there’s so much more to recovering from cancer than what your body has gone through. My head is so completely full of thoughts, I hardly know where to start sifting through the mess in my mind. Not to mention that in the meantime, most of the people around me have gone back to how things used to be and I’m not sure when, if ever, I will be back there again. I’m not a whole new person or anything like that; I’ve just got so much on my mind, I think I’ve disappeared in some ways and people don’t always know where to find me.

There are so many fine lines to walk! I want to be patient with myself, without allowing laziness or excuses. I want time to work through this experience without having to act as if I’ve already done it. But I also don’t want to wallow in it or make other people feel awkward/bad when they ask me how I’m feeling and I say, “I’m frustrated, I don’t want to be here and I have a million things on my mind that have nothing to do with you, this place or anything else that you’re interested in right now” instead of “much better! Thank you!” :)

As you can see, it’s a process and I’m definitely still making my way through it whenever and however I can. The world won’t stop for me and so I’m doing my best to keep up. I’ve updated a few things on my blog to represent that for this leg of my journey, I am mostly working on getting back in shape and sorting through myself, my priorities and my place in the universe. I have my family and friends behind me, my husband beside me, my horses beneath me and my dogs just ahead scouting it all out . . . I have a feeling I’m going to come through just fine. :)

I have oh so much to write that I can hardly contain myself and to make things worse, I won’t even be able to really start for another week. I had a lovely visit with my Mydentical Cousin, Tracy and my Aunt Sue which involved lots of delicious food, great massages, amazing horse moments, a sleigh ride, some serious hot tubbing/wine drinking/Christmas treat-eating and board game playing. Not to mention some time to just catch up, although, it never really feels like enough. Which is why I’m already missing her like crazy and looking forward to the next visit! : )

Now, every night since she flew home, we’ve had friends over, gone to dinner parties and/or had game nights with guests. Somewhere in all the hub bub, my laptop screen was broken and now I’m laying in bed, writing and resting up for Greg and Ashleigh’s wedding/New Years Eve Bonanza.

Note, all of the above (minus my poor, broken laptop) are good things. I’m just so tired!!!! So when we get home on Monday, Project Take Care of Myself begins with me going back to the gym, back to our regular budget and back to my regular sleeping schedule. Until the laptop situation is sorted out, I’ll be writing from the iPad or from my dad’s old typewriter. : )

I hope you all have a safe and wonderful evening and I promise I’ll be back to more regular posting soon.

With my breakfast I had a bite of the moon,
With my lunch, a sip of the sky
And just because it’s never too soon
Let the sun set into my wine

And I know there’s so much more to do
The list just keeps on piling
My body is weak and my mind is a mess
But still, I can’t stop smiling

Because today I found out I AM CANCER FREE!
And not even the Earth can keep ahold of me : )

Somewhere in between May and December, somewhere in between smiles that have been and tears that have yet to come, somewhere in between loss and hope: I will find myself; I will rebuild myself; I will remember and regain.

Somewhere in between the rest and the work, somewhere in between the debt and the payoff, somewhere in between the old plan and the new, I will find myself; I will rebuild myself: I will remember and regain.

Because I am both before and after Cancer; I am both weak and full of strength; I am burned to ashes, but was created from dirt, I have been set back, but I have a plan, I am in debt, but employed, I am in pain, but I am healing, I am frustrated but that frustration will give me the determination to create change, I am sad, but I am full of hope. I have been given the unique opportunity to receive the gift of life . . . twice, and it will not be wasted on me.

The recipe, which I found HERE, is for “no boil bagels.” Now, if you love regular bagels, you may not be as crazy about these, but if regular bagels make your jaw tired or if you have a passion for Key of C bagels then you might just love these.

I cut the recipe in half, because I knew we would not go through a whole dozen and made two other simple modifications to go from plain to jalapeno Swiss. I added fresh, chopped jalapeno to the dough in between the first and second additions of flour and, after brushing the tops with egg, I dumped a whole lotta Swiss cheese on top of each bagel. If you grease your baking pan (I did not use parchment paper) then it is all very easy to clean when finished, even with the cheese. :)

The last part of this recipe is the cream cheese. The bagels we so love and miss from Key of C, we ate with their delicious sun dried tomato and herb spread. This we had to make by the seat of our pants as we really couldn’t find anything online that seemed right. Basically, we finely chopped sun dried tomato, added fresh garlic, coarse ground pepper, dried garlic, dried onion, oregano, basil, dill, poppy seed, sage and, well, pretty much any other seasoning that we like that seemed to fit in. The main thing is to really load up the cream cheese with seasonings, then use the spread very sparingly on the bagel itself because it’s so flavorful. Another hint: make sure to soften the cream cheese before attempting to add everything . . . poor Carl had a heckuva time stirring! :)